Middle Ground?

As it turns out, starting a blog the week before you start working 14 hour days doesn’t exactly provide for much time to update said blog! But this is about finding the grey, right? Yes, this is my new write when I feel like it and don’t write when I don’t feel like it blog. An intuitive writing of sorts! Glad we’ve established that. So, I actually wrote this about a week and a half ago, but am just now getting a moment to edit and post it…


As I write this I’m sitting inside Barnes & Noble, leaning against a big picture window, sun beaming through and warming me as I sip my iced skinny vanilla latte. The mountaintops, still white with spring snow, rise above the surrounding buildings and blooming trees. I am in awe of the beauty surrounding me. This is one of those days when I remember why I thought moving to Utah would be a good idea.

I sit here mostly content, but slightly conflicted. I’m in a coffee shop inside a bookstore, listening to Michael Buble playing from the speakers above. This is my happy place. Big, corporate Barnes & Noble and Starbucks. And yet a few days ago I spent some time at a locally owned coffee house, served by baristas with dreads and tattoos, listening to live music, and taking note of the drum circle in the park on Sundays. ‘BUY LOCAL’ I thought that was my element. How can I like both? How can I want both?

This isn’t a new phenomenon…that I want two different, opposing things. I want to be all organic, hippie, Zen, peace and love, and yet I’d love to get back to a career where I can wear business attire and heels. I want to be feminine, but at work I throw around 50lb bags of dog food with my stockers and would rather be seen as the manager who’s tough, works hard, and holds her own. I love hiking, walking, and being outdoors, but I’m a city girl at heart and dream of living in a high-rise with a concierge. I’m all for self-expression and being able to show emotion and yet more often than not I’m hardened, jaded and too frequently find myself thinking, ‘suck it up and get over it.’ I want to promote positive body image…love your body, love yourself – but I look in the mirror and want to tear away at the excess flesh. I want to be a runner, but don’t necessarily enjoy running. I want to live the simple life, wearing jeans and flip flops, and I also want my perfectly arranged closet filled with Banana Republic and Ann Taylor.

Is there a middle ground? Is there EVER a middle ground? I think that’s been my biggest holdup in this finding my identity dilemma. I’ve never had any single identity outside of an eating disorder to cling to. I’ve always hated those ‘who are you?...what do you like?...what do you want to do?...who do you want to be?’ questionnaires. They stress me out. I can never come up with the single, perfect answer. I don’t know. I can’t pinpoint who I am. I’m not all business…I’m not all sporty…I'm not all hippie...I’m not all chic…I’m not all musician…I’m not ALL anything. Where does that leave me? I’m a mutt…a hybrid of sorts. And where does a hybrid fit in? I don’t fit in. And I’m finally realizing that’s okay. I AM OKAY. Maybe I’ll never fit into the perfect mold of anything. Maybe I’ll never be married…never have kids…never fit the conventional, traditional, ‘norm’. And maybe that’s okay. I am me. Organized, obsessed, quirky, fun, confused, determined, self-critical, independent, hard-working, me. And I am the only person who needs to be okay with that. And I’m getting there.