August 30, 2011

Stuck. In. A. Rut

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted. How’s that for stating the obvious?! It’s not for lack of wanting to; more so for lack of words, or rather, lack of words that combine together to make any sort of sense. You see, I start out with a topic, but the more I write the more I start to contradict myself and/or drift away on random tangents, and the more confused I become about said topic, and then I pretty much run out of steam and the evening culminates in Amber throwing her hands up in the air and saying screw it!

I think my biggest problem lately is that I’m stuck...stagnant...doing the same things over and over (and yes, often expecting different results). I work (a lot), go to the gym (a lot), eat, sleep, repeat. That’s it. I don’t see friends anymore. I don’t do much of anything anymore because by the time I finish working too much and going to the gym too much there’s not enough energy left in me to do anything. That and, well, after a 12+ hour day in a retail setting the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone.

I feel like I’m working and working (and working), and getting nowhere financially. As I approach another birthday I have this sense of hopelessness – that I’m getting too old now and will never see my dreams amount to anything – that I threw away all that I’d worked so hard for and will be doomed to retail management forever. Not that there’s anything wrong with retail management – I have the utmost respect for many of the people I’ve worked with and for. But for the most part, I HATE RETAIL!!! As a whole, I’m just not finding any fulfillment in what I’m doing and the longer I sit in that spot the farther away I feel from my dreams, and the more my motivation plummets. I used to be full of fire. I thought I could do anything. But that fire has been squashed (can you squash fire?) over and over again in the past few years and I’m really having a hard time getting it going again.

So where do I go from here? I’m teetering on that edge - getting by, but just barely...doing enough to keep myself out of treatment, but nowhere near enough to consider myself ‘in recovery’. It’s so easy to throw in the towel when it feels like there’s nothing left to lose. I think that’s been the hardest part of this whole ordeal for me. When I went into treatment several years ago I thought I’d put everything on hold for a month or two and then go back to life as I knew it minus the eating disorder. Wrong. I didn’t know going into it that I’d emerge out of treatment 9 months later physically healthy, but without a job or a home or any sense of who I was or where I was going. And thus began an additional 2 ½ years of feeling like a loser, obsessively controlling food & exercise to make up for it, landing myself back in treatment, and repeat. It’s grown old. This is NOT how I imagined my life. So, I guess it’s time to do something different.

I’m catching up on old So You Think You Can Dance episodes. Tonight Nigel referred to two of the girls left in the competition as warriors. They’re strong. They’re passionate. I used to be strong and passionate. And I want that back. I want to go for my dreams like I used to. I want to finish what I started. I want to complete my dietetics degree. I want to move back to Austin. I WANT TO LIVE AND SURVIVE AND THRIVE!!! And I will. to summon the energy to make it all happen.