New Beginnings

Watching Gray’s Anatomy last week, Meredith’s monologue really impacted me. So much so that it inspired me to reframe my journey, and to get back to blogging again.


‘After a trauma your body is at its most vulnerable.
Response time is critical so you’re suddenly surrounded by people; doctors, nurses, specialists, technicians.
Surgery is a team sport; everyone pushing for the finish line, putting you back together again.
But surgery is a trauma in and of itself.
And once it’s over the real healing begins.
We call it recovery.

Recovery is NOT a team sport.
It’s a solitary distance run.
It’s long, and it’s exhausting, and it’s lonely as hell.

The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries.
And it’s not always successful.
No matter how hard we work at it, some wounds might never fully heal.
You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living.
Things may have changed too radically to ever go back to what they were.
You might not even recognize yourself.
It’s like you haven’t recovered anything at all.
You’re a whole new person…
With a whole new life.’


This absolutely puts the whole recovery process into context for me. I’m thirty-two. My eating disorder began when I was nine. In that time I’ve been in and out of treatment centers and hospitals, have been surrounded by professionals, and have also endured one hell of a marathon on my own. So where does that leave me? I’m finding myself in a place of peace. In a place where I feel confident that I’m finally headed down the right path. I’m not sure what exactly to attribute this shift of paradigm to…perhaps to some amazing treatment teams, perhaps to the wonders of medication, perhaps it’s simply a part of getting older and maturing…more than likely, all of the above. Whatever the reason, I’ll take it. Would I consider myself recovered? Not by a long shot. Food, calories, exercise and weight still plague me 24/7. I look in the mirror…in the window…in the reflection of a shiny car, and I cringe as the thirty-five pounds I’ve had to gain in the name of health stare back at me. No, life is not all butterflies and rainbows. But I know without a doubt that I’m on the right path. And I feel a peace about the process that I’ve never felt before.


Let me repeat the end of that Gray’s quote…

…No matter how hard we work at it, some wounds might never fully heal.
You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living.
Things may have changed too radically to ever go back to what they were.
You might not even recognize yourself.
It’s like you haven’t recovered anything at all.
You’re a whole new person…
With a whole new life.’


This is what hits home. THIS is what I wish I would have heard 10 years ago. ‘Recovery’, in the literal sense of the word, is not what I should have been searching for all this time. I cannot recover the girl I was at the age of nine. I cannot recover the girl everyone thought I was in high school. I cannot recover the girl I tried to be in college. Too much has changed. I’ve learned too much. I will never be that person again, nor do I want to be. I’m a whole new person. I’m a stronger person. I’m a more passionate person. And I’m better for the fight. I don’t have to recover the life that I always thought I should have. I’m creating a new life. A life that is mine. A life that I’ve worked hard for. A life that combines all of my experiences. Circumstances may not always work out in the way that I desire, but I have the opportunity to discover and make of my life what I want. This blog is my journey to figuring out what lies beneath the surface.