Life as I Know it

I sometimes wonder where I’d be in life if any number of circumstances had been different. Not just the eating disorder, though that does seem to be the biggest variable in the equation. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t moved in third grade from southern to northern California…if my dad had worked in a different job…if my parents had been divorced. I would have grown up in a totally different atmosphere…with different schools, different friends, different everything. Would I still be the same person? Maybe I would have continued to be abused, dropped out of school, become pregnant at 16. Maybe I would have had wonderful opportunities and received scholarships to Harvard to become a doctor. Maybe I would have been a drug addict. Maybe I would have become the first woman president. Would I be married? Would I have kids? Where would I be living? Would I be happy? Would I even like the same things? Who knows. I don’t need to know, really. Life is what it is, and I have to say that despite all the hard times, I don’t know that I’d change it. It’s just crazy to think of how a person’s entire life can be shifted by one single event. The butterfly effect…can the flutter of a butterfly’s wings really cause a typhoon halfway around the world? Apparently I think too much!

Ten years ago I never ever EVER would have guessed that I’d be living in Utah and working at PetSmart. Ten years ago I had recently finished my undergrad in interior design and was working at an engineering firm in Austin doing lighting design for Banana Republic…in a different atmosphere and state than I would have imagined even a few years prior to that. Fast forward a year and I’d transition to doing electrical design for high voltage substations, going to job sites with the engineers in my hard hat and boots, applying to the electrical engineering department at UT Austin. A far cry from picking out wallpaper and curtains, as I’d imagined I’d be doing when I first started college.

Five years ago I was back in California, thanks to an eating disorder interfering with my career and ability to take care of myself…not that I’m bitter! Whatever. Point being, I unexpectedly ended up back in California. And in that unexpected move, I somehow started an architectural design business, almost by accident. How does that happen? Well, I know how it happened, but who would have guessed? Five years ago I was using that business to put me through grad school where I was graduating with my Masters in Counseling Psychology, starting my degree in dietetics at CSU Sacramento, after which I planned to move to Malibu to attend Pepperdine and work on my PhD. I had it all mapped out. I had a goal…I had a plan…I had a mission. I knew exactly where my life was going, how I was going to get there, where I would be living, and precisely what my future looked like.

Five years and 6 hospitals & treatment centers later, I live in Utah and I work at PetSmart. My biggest obstacle right now is my pride. I’m embarrassed to admit that I work in a retail setting. When people ask me how I wound up in Utah I lie (‘I was in treatment here and lost everything so figured I might as well stay’ generally isn’t the most socially acceptable response when first meeting someone!). In that respect I’m ashamed of who I am…or rather, who I’m not. But you know what? Once I get past those things…I’m pretty okay with where I am, and dare I say, even happy? Things are HARD. Really REALLY hard. I never imagined that at 32 I’d be struggling so much financially, that this once successful, ambitious girl would be buying work pants at the DI. And yet, I like my job. I started PetSmart right after treatment as a part-time job, then moved to full-time, then management, and about a month ago got a promotion and jumped up three notches in the management hierarchy. I’m a presentation manager now. I’m in charge of the product, displays, organization, and presentation of the whole freak’n store! I'm in charge! How cool is that?! It’s FAR more involved and FAR more stress and hours than I imagined a retail job could possibly entail, and all for FAR less money than anyone should have to work that hard for. But I thrive on the stress, and in the grand scheme of things, I really do like it.

There is still more that I want out of life. I hate hate HATE that financially things aren’t working so well. I absolutely need a second job. I’ve been trying to find some contract work as a designer to supplement my income, which has been unsuccessful so far. I did, however, find the PERFECT job on craigslist tonight as a contractual designer, with the ability to work from home, and my qualifications are EXACTLY what they’re looking for. So…keep your fingers and toes crossed! But if that doesn’t work out, I’ll keep trying, and I’ll keep marketing. I like where I am, but I want more. I want to not stress about how I’m going to pay my bills. I want to be able to finish my dietetics degree. I see myself moving back to Austin someday. But for now, I’m thankful to have a job I (mostly) enjoy. I’m thankful that as crappy as things have been lately, and as much as my life has diverted from plan, that I’m still alive and fighting. I’m thankful for the strength I’ve been given to get through it all. I’m thankful for moments of being content…moments of knowing that while some situations aren’t ideal, I can still enjoy the present. And in many ways I’m thankful that I was forced to go down a different road…to open my eyes, and to accept myself in a way I had never imagined. That’s not to say I don’t have my fair share of ‘it’s not fair’ and ‘why can’t I catch a break’ moments. But all in all, I’m thankful for all that I’ve experienced and I do believe in the end I’ll be a better person because of it.

Life doesn’t always turn out the way you plan it…sometimes it turns out better.