October 17, 2011

The Taboo Topic

I don’t know how to begin this post, so I’ll just start off by saying – many of my friends are in same-sex relationships. I’m all for gay marriage and support equality. My take has always been that it’s not my personal preference, but who am I to say what’s right for anyone else. If two people are in love why does it matter what sex they are? I’ve always believed that. I still believe that. But recently I find myself questioning one small little itty bitty part about that statement…It’s not my personal preference. No, I’m not coming out of the closet or anything. But I wonder sometimes, what is my personal preference?

I’m 33 and have never had a significant relationship with anyone. I’ve gone on a few (literally somewhere around three or four) dates in my lifetime. I’m not afraid of guys in general, but I am absolutely terrified of dating or having anything remotely close to any sort of sexual relationship. It freaks me out in a way that makes me want to crawl out of my body. As much as I wish that were different, I really can’t imagine it changing. I’m not attracted to women, but I’m also not attracted to men. I’d pretty much consider myself asexual…if that’s possible for a human being.

But here’s the thing that confuses me – I hear female friends talk about their husbands or boyfriends and I feel nothing, if not annoyed or confused as to why I'm supposed to want that. But then I hear other female friends talk about their girlfriends or wives and I feel this pit…this emptiness in my stomach. I find myself wanting what they have. My store manager, whom I absolutely love, is in a same-sex marriage. She’ll occasionally throw out a comment about her significant-other and I find myself feeling a bit jealous. Not jealous of her – but jealous that I've never had that kind of relationship with anyone.

I'm not saying I’m gay – I don’t want anything to do with a sexual relationship with anyone…man or woman. So why am I having these thoughts? I’ve spent so many years so guarded – trying everything to numb myself so I wouldn’t want or need anyone or anything. But I’m realizing now that I may be just a tad bit lonely. It’s not that I don’t have some great friends. But I think part of me (the part I don’t like to acknowledge) longs for something more. I don’t know what that is or what it looks like, as I’ve never had it, but I’m finding myself feeling kind of empty without it.

Really, I just want a person. In the old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy Meredith used to talk about Christina being her ‘person’. I want that. And I wonder, when somebody finds ‘their person’ how can anyone fault them for what gender that person is?