October 17, 2011

The Taboo Topic

I don’t know how to begin this post, so I’ll just start off by saying – many of my friends are in same-sex relationships. I’m all for gay marriage and support equality. My take has always been that it’s not my personal preference, but who am I to say what’s right for anyone else. If two people are in love why does it matter what sex they are? I’ve always believed that. I still believe that. But recently I find myself questioning one small little itty bitty part about that statement…It’s not my personal preference. No, I’m not coming out of the closet or anything. But I wonder sometimes, what is my personal preference?

I’m 33 and have never had a significant relationship with anyone. I’ve gone on a few (literally somewhere around three or four) dates in my lifetime. I’m not afraid of guys in general, but I am absolutely terrified of dating or having anything remotely close to any sort of sexual relationship. It freaks me out in a way that makes me want to crawl out of my body. As much as I wish that were different, I really can’t imagine it changing. I’m not attracted to women, but I’m also not attracted to men. I’d pretty much consider myself asexual…if that’s possible for a human being.

But here’s the thing that confuses me – I hear female friends talk about their husbands or boyfriends and I feel nothing, if not annoyed or confused as to why I'm supposed to want that. But then I hear other female friends talk about their girlfriends or wives and I feel this pit…this emptiness in my stomach. I find myself wanting what they have. My store manager, whom I absolutely love, is in a same-sex marriage. She’ll occasionally throw out a comment about her significant-other and I find myself feeling a bit jealous. Not jealous of her – but jealous that I've never had that kind of relationship with anyone.

I'm not saying I’m gay – I don’t want anything to do with a sexual relationship with anyone…man or woman. So why am I having these thoughts? I’ve spent so many years so guarded – trying everything to numb myself so I wouldn’t want or need anyone or anything. But I’m realizing now that I may be just a tad bit lonely. It’s not that I don’t have some great friends. But I think part of me (the part I don’t like to acknowledge) longs for something more. I don’t know what that is or what it looks like, as I’ve never had it, but I’m finding myself feeling kind of empty without it.

Really, I just want a person. In the old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy Meredith used to talk about Christina being her ‘person’. I want that. And I wonder, when somebody finds ‘their person’ how can anyone fault them for what gender that person is?


  1. It is possible for a person to be asexual. (There is actually a meetup group for asexuals in Salt Lake. I've never gone, but they get together once a month.)

    It's also possible to be asexual and still want a romantic relationship.

    If I define myself, I'd say I am a hetero-romantic asexual. I want a romantic relationship with a man, but not a sexual relationship. That puts me in a minority, and it might make it more difficult to find the "person", but not impossible. You deserve a "person" in your life. :)

    (If you're interested, I'll add you to the asexy salt lake facebook group. It's been helpful to just know there are other people like me - even if I never do anything with them - just having the knowledge that they exist is comforting.)

  2. Amber, you're not alone. I don't know what I'd say my preference is. I don't think I am gay, I don't have much of sexual desire when it comes to women... or men. Recently there have been a few guys who have caught my eye, and I have been questioning more, but I think that is simply because I am going through a bit of a tough time in life and am weak and vulnerable. I always find myself wanting deep relationships, but not deep in a sexual way. I often find myself afraid of being friends with guys because I don't want to lead them on.

  3. just came across this:


    and thought of you

  4. I relate to this for a variety of reasons. I won't get into it all now. But I know that WANT of having that other who is there. I once had that and it was taboo.

    What you've expressed here, I actually believe many others feel for themselves. You are just brave and willing to explore, admit and share it. And I thank you for this.

    Being. I think and feel this is one of the most challenging aspects to existing that there is. But when we can simply BE and accept ourselves as we are, regardless of pressures from society, family, religion, etc., this is when we have that infinite power that has always been. It is that allowance, if you will, that takes us in the directions we want on our journey.

    Sorry for the rambling. This simply resonates with me. Very deeply.

    Thank you for sharing.

    With light....

  5. Amber,

    Thank you for sharing. I know how hard this is to talk about - I've been through every phase of what you're talking about - longing to have a person to care for and to care for you. It can be really lonely, but talking about it can be a great way to feel less alone.

    I taught a class this week to a graduate psych class about GLBTQI individuals, and the take-home message is everyone is different and not everyone fits in a 'box," and everyone needs to be treated as an individual. We're all special and unique and want what feels right for us. I hope you can feel this. Please know that I'm still working on it with you.

    Thank you, again, for your honest in taking on the "taboo topic."

  6. Hey, have you ever heard of www.asexuality.org. There are people there who want a romantic relationship with one or other gender, but do not desire a sexual relationship at all. And all kinds of other people who don't desire either. I kind of think of myself as asexual but I'm not sure if I am properly so or if I just struggle to have pleasure from sex and so just don't see the point. I have been in relationship for 12 years and participate in the sexual side because my partner really desires it. I know for some people that would not be a comfortable state of affairs, and I think every unique person works these things out for themselves.